Are You the Pursuer or the Withdrawer?
In the most studied conflict pattern in couples research, one partner moves toward the problem and one moves away. Each move makes the other more likely. This finds out which end you are holding.
Question 1 of 10
This is an educational self-reflection exercise, not a validated psychological instrument. It cannot diagnose anything, and everything is calculated in your browser.
What this assessment is based on
The demand-withdraw pattern is one of the most consistently replicated findings in couples research. Andrew Christensen and Christopher Heavey documented it in a series of studies at UCLA, and it has since been linked with relationship distress and with declines in satisfaction over time.
The structure is simple and self-reinforcing: one partner pushes for discussion or change, the other avoids or shuts down, and each move makes the other more likely. Neither behaviour is unreasonable in isolation. It is the pairing that causes the damage.
Why the roles are not fixed
One of the more useful findings is that the roles shift with the topic. Christensen and Heavey found that the partner who wants change is usually the one who pursues, which means these are positions in a system rather than personality types. That is why they can be moved.
What this cannot tell you
This is a ten-question self-report designed for reflection. It is not a validated instrument, it does not diagnose anything, and it cannot assess your relationship. It also only asks about you, and the pattern involves two people. Treat the result as a hypothesis worth examining rather than a conclusion.
Common questions
What is the demand-withdraw pattern?
A conflict dynamic in which one partner pushes for discussion or change while the other avoids or shuts down, with each move making the other more likely. It is also called pursue-withdraw or pursuer-distancer.
It is associated with relationship distress and, in longitudinal research, with declines in satisfaction over time.
Is one role better than the other?
No. Each position carries half of something a relationship needs. The pursuer holds the conviction that problems should be addressed; the withdrawer holds the knowledge that some conversations should not happen at full physiological arousal. Both are correct.
The problem is that they have been assigned to opposing sides of a fight instead of pooled.
Can you change which one you are?
The roles are largely a function of who currently wants change, so they already shift by topic for most people. The behaviour is also changeable: the single highest-value move is a stated return time, given before leaving and then honoured.
Two consecutive kept returns tends to do more than any amount of discussion about the pattern.
Is this quiz scientifically validated?
No. It is an educational self-reflection exercise informed by published research, not a psychometrically validated instrument. It has not been normed against a standardised sample and its results are not comparable to clinical measures.
What it can do is give you accurate vocabulary for a pattern, which is a reasonable first step toward changing it.